He could see the clouds gathering in. It was time. He didn’t know whether he wanted to smile or cry at the expected irony. Of course it was going to rain. As if there weren’t enough frogs croaking around him these days! And then he sighed. He wished for those rain filled clouds to fill the void that had grown inside him. He hoped they could do the job, because he wasn’t sure what would. After 8 years, he was where he had stood before. He pondered whether he was any different from then... Hmmm! Maybe lesser hair! Finally he managed a broken smile, but he knew this was just the beginning.
He felt the warmth and cool on either of his cheeks together. The drizzle couldn’t have been timed more perfectly. Sometimes it seemed like humans got their flair for dramatics from Providence itself. But that was just the beginning of the torrent. It seemed like the skies weren’t done with him yet. The downpour came suddenly, without restraint and relentless. It seemed like the clouds would empty themselves in one go but he knew better. He could just stand there at the top of his bubble and wish life had given him either a colder heart or cut him some slack. Her words of by Chance or by Choice echoed through him now. And the echoes didn’t seem to end in that void.
He sat in the room alone and yet he couldn’t stop smiling. He dared think that maybe this was something like heaven. He finally knew what it felt like building a family, if anyone could call it that. What he had realized was the fact that people who were meant to be with each other, found each other somehow. And if they were smart enough to hold on come-what-may, that’s what a family was all about. And he finally managed to get himself off the bed with his grin; she would be home any minute and he really didn’t want to stink when she barged in.
Tttttrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnn, the doorbell rang right when he came out of the shower. He couldn’t help grinning opening the door in that state. Her smile when she looked at him slowly grew into a grin itself and she pushed him back, locking the door behind her, while she threw her bag aside.
“I like what you have done with the place”, she said.
“Wait till you see my plans for the weekend!”, his grin had grown the usual devilish twitch.
“Just see?”, seemed like she wanted to play this game for some more time, and he wasn’t in a hurry to end it himself yet.
“Completely depends on how much you want to enjoy my efforts”, he turned around walking towards the wardrobe. Before he had even reached it, he could feel her breath on his nape, and the grin faded into a sigh with his eyes closed. He knew the time for words was over. He turned around again and looked at her looking back into his eyes. It was time to take the leap.
“I am afraid this heaven won’t last forever.”, he managed to finally speak while helping her with dinner. Their small family was going to be home soon.
“It will! Don’t think otherwise. You have me, remember?”, she turned back and kissed him. He never seemed to want to let their embrace break. But she made him confident enough to believe that they will embrace again. And he smiled while she turned back to wind up dinner, knowing very well that she needed him to believe in what she was trying to instil in him.
Soon after dinner, he watched them all sleep right in front of him while snow fell outside. His love for rain was immense, but he had recently realized that the silent fall of the frozen specks of snow made one’s thoughts so much louder. But then all he was thinking was that maybe life wasn’t that unfair. He had found not just one, but three of them. Three beacons- which always beckoned him home. Trying to keep each and every one happy was sometimes taxing but it was all completely worth it, especially when they surprised him back with efforts to keep him happy. He smiled, and knew it wouldn’t be long before one of them woke up.
He went back to his room, drenched to his bones. He laughed at the concept, knowing very well he had been soaked even deeper. Life had become so busy, that everyone that mattered to him seemed so far away. And he wondered whether it was all worth it. True, that he knew why he was there. He had strived to reach here, hard or not, but he had persisted. And now that he was here, he owed to everyone that had stuck by him during his struggle, to make the maximum out of it. He lived everyday thinking the same thing; I have to be better than I was yesterday today. Many days he failed, many he succeeded.
Things were in place, but he knew why they were out of place. The distance that had never bothered him, had now become excruciating. The hope that was there was all gone. As always, he had to make a choice between what he wanted and what he thought was right. It dawned on him how foolishly he should realize to choose in the beginning what seems inevitably right. But the dawning had no effect on his desires and wishes. Some choices are by choice, some are by chance.
He changed into some comfortable clothes and lay down on his bed. It was fresh, cold, and felt empty. He knew he had to get back to work soon. But for now, he wanted to just lie there and let the feelings reach back where they had come from.
He saw her after a month, even though it seemed never ending back then. And as soon as they met, they knew they had been missing each other relentlessly.
“Hey!”, he smiled. She looked at him, smiled and pushed a loose strand of her hair behind her left ear.
“Hey”, that one single word made him want to grab her and steal her away from everything around. But he just let his hand rest on hers over the gear stick that she shifted then. The warmth seem to spread across his body and the blood rush to her cheeks. The hands automatically caressed each against each other while he stared at her and she stole glance at him while driving.
“You should focus on the road”, he jested.
“You should stop distracting me”, she retorted with a twitching smile.
“What did I do?” he couldn’t have looked more glad to be guilty.
“Yeah Right!”, she finally grinned fully. He knew then this drive might be short, but they were going to make every moment of it worthwhile.
He woke up with a start! The reminder on his cellular jolted him to the confines of his room. What was he dreaming? He couldn’t place his finger on it, but he needed to remember it. He knew he was being paranoid, but it seemed like he had to remember it. He tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. He had lost track of it. Frustrated he sat up and looked out. Night had silently crept around him. But the downpour continued. But through all that, he looked for the moon. And when he couldn’t find it, he wished he had the words to put down his feelings. And then he remembered. There was something in his past that he had borrowed from his recluse into melodies. He rushed to find it again and find it he did. And when he listened to it, he knew why he had remembered it.
Oh wary night! Abate thy hours. Steal me a while from my own company.
Let me Sleep,
For when I Sleep, I dream that you are... here, Your mine
And all my fears are left behind. I float
On air. The nightingale sings gentle lullabies,
So let me close my eyes....
And sleep, a chance to dream, so that I can see
The face I long to touch, to kiss,
But only dreams can bring me this.
So let the moon shine
Softly on the girl I long to see,
And maybe when she dreams,
She’ll dream of me.
Hide beneath the clouds,
Whisper to the evening star,
They tell me that Love is just a dream away
A dream away.... a dream away.
So let the moon shine,
Softly on the girl I long to see,
And maybe when she dreams,
She’ll dream of me.
He stopped after a few times. He felt light in his head. He needed to get out. In the wee hours of the night, he strolled out. It was time to let go. But if he knew it, why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like there was that void at his core, which will consume him? Why did he feel like the cruellest and yet the most helpless soul to be walking this road?
“What do you want to do now?”, she asked him.
“There isn’t any question of what we want anymore”, he replied. The coldness in his voice was evident to himself, and he wondered about the sadness they hovered over her.
“There is no hope left. And I don’t want you to wait for someone who will never be able to give you what you want and deserve.” He knew the words needed to be said out aloud. Don’t do this. This is killing you, imagine what it would do to her. But he knew this reality would not change. And he didn’t want to stake his and especially her life on what was unfathomable.
He didn’t remember all her sad words, but what both of them went through was engraved in his heart forever. He had heard her tears from afar, and felt them burn his face. Her heaving sighs hurt his chest. And he felt drained. Right now he wanted to fall into a deep endless pit, not to surface until the void was gone.
He looked up, and somewhere behind the clouds, the sun was rising. But this was not a morning he revelled in. For her words he will never forget, “You promised you will always be there, no matter what. You couldn’t keep it. But why did you lose your hope?” He knew she wouldn't understand. Neither would he.
To have hope for my hope!
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Milestones of an Year
Results of the graduation exams were out. He hadn't topped them although he wished he was lucky enough that he struck gold with the meagre preparation he did. However, he thought that above average results were good enough. He already had secured a job with a reputed company, which would look like a solid start on his resume in future. He was glad he finally did get a job. The placements in the college had gone well this year, but he didn't get as high paying job as many of his classmates did. And the company he was waiting for did interview him, but they decided they were better off not shortlisting him. He still remembered the time after the interview. He had stormed out fuming inside and trying to reassure himself that he was too good for them and they probably thought that a sharp guy like him won't be staying long with them. And his friends reassured him about it. He knew they were just being friends, and soon they were off the club to dance and drink off their grasp on reality. He remembered that he cried holding her at night, asking he didn't have any clue as to why they didn't select him.
The gang was devastated. Not one of them was going to end up in the same city as any other person. It was as if fate had decided they were better off placed in different corners of the country. Girls were hit the hardest as to now they would have to find someone new to live with. One out of the 2 couples in the group was the most hopeful, because the guy was ready to take over his father's business, and once settled, the girl would leave the job and they would get married. The other couple was his own, and they had decided 2 months ago, that they weren't going to be able to cope up with the distance and had to focus on their careers. Still it was hard for him to think that this was their last day in college. Somehow they had managed to convince each other to stay till the results came out, but now no one knew how to react to the parting of the ways. Finally, they ended up hugging each other one by one and tears hit them one by one. Girls had promised each other last night they wouldn't cry any more, but the guys tear-stained smiles made it impossible for them not to.
*************
He sat back into his chair staring at the screen. Six-months into his first job, and he already felt like he was going to pull his hair out. All that he had imagined about living the professional bachelor life had come true. He earned enough for himself, his lifestyle was comfortable as per any standards, he had his choice of girls to ask out on weekend nights and none of them was looking for a serious relationship or so they said, and he was a picture of healthy youth. Yet he knew what he was missing was something none of the satisfactions could shadow and hide. He thought he was wasting his time. At first he thought the frustrations were rooted because he didn't have his friends or family around. But then he realized that most of the time he didn't have the time to spend time with them even if they were there and if they were, they would have their own life to attend to. It had taken him 3 months to understand that college life will never return. And when he did, he called up the entire gang and his family, to tell them he missed them. They finally made him smile with the sheer variety of their reactions and responses. He had made peace with that.
Then he dove himself into his work thinking now was the time to climb the corporate ladder as fast as he could. He worked, he performed, and he made his share of mistakes. His office life wasn't half bad as he hoped for it to be so that he could put the blame on it. But when you feel like you are wasting the most valuable asset in one's life, you can't put the blame on anyone else but yourself. How you utilize your time in this life, is no one's responsibility but yours. And worst part was, he was smart enough to know this fact. But he couldn't lose to doubts now. He had planned out certain aspects of his career and wavering from it now, would definitely render him lost on the way to achieve his ultimate goal - To be filthy rich; because money was a requirement for everything in the world today; directly or indirectly. With this rekindling of his motivation he got up from his chair and went to get a cup of coffee; she had gotten up for the same and he had been waiting for a chance to strike a conversation today. It was high time he tried asking her out.
*************
It was raining. Maybe someone likes me up there, he thought. It was exactly one year since he had started his work life. And he was sitting near the window looking out into the city, drenched in rain. He had been thinking about it the whole week. Last night, he had asked her out to spend the entire day with him. She was delighted. He knew she was hoping for something long-term and why wouldn't she? She was his constant beckon call on more weekends than he wished to recount, and she knew the contents of his refrigerator better than him. Still, when time till lunch seemed to be stretched and he didn't know what to talk about, he told her that he wanted to be alone. She left with a look of care and understanding and asked him to call her whenever he felt like talking. He looked at the rain and wished he had opted for a sea-view apartment. The falling drops would seem more picturesque that way. It was still evening, but the clouds made it seem like a starless night and seemed in no mood to stop their downpour any time soon.
Yet he loved the rain. He knew he was a sucker for them. All the people close to him knew about it. He thought of taking out his new car for a drive in the rain. Maybe later. There was something in his mind that was trying to break free. And he was afraid. Not because it was something terrible, but because it seemed that it was something that had been suppressed deep for so long, it would hurt when it came to light now. He distracted himself with thoughts of the work lined up for next week. Work? Was it all that he could think about now? There were things in his life that he had hoped he would enjoy once he was out on his own, but hadn't got a chance to do them. No that was wrong. He hadn't looked for a chance to do them. It was always later. And what was he doing right now? He was spending time in fulfilling his plan. Did he really want that plan so much? Was it really his plan or something he picked up from somewhere? He had matured enough to realize that he wasn't someone special as he had hoped he was like the protagonist in a story. But then who was he? What distinguished him? Most importantly, am I not the person right now I am living as? He felt the shell inside him cracking.
Suddenly, his cellphone rang and his thoughts were replaced by the curiosity of who called. It was surprising how eager he got whenever he was called these days. It was him. Probably they had finalized the date for their wedding. He was suddenly filled with guilt before he pressed the answer button, remembering he had missed their engagement the day before, just because he was working. He answered hoping it was a flurry of unmentionable swearing, rather than a disappointed question as to why he wasn't able to make it. The former would mean he was still forgivable, the latter meant he had scarred one of the few people he could call a friend. The swearing followed without any formal greetings. He smiled. He kept on apologizing, and listening to the words that meant nothing except than a verbal beating figuratively speaking, and that he was sexual abomination literally speaking.
"We are all waiting for you at the club. And I mean all of us. I had to call in all the favors with every one of us to keep them here for today and you better get your butt here. I don't know who was the person who missed my engagement, but buddy you better wake yourself up. It's been an year and we are not spending it without a rotten ba***** like you. You've got 15 minutes and I know it is at least a 20 minute drive. Deal with it!" His friend hung up.
He couldn't remember when he was this happy last. He put on something acceptable in a rush, and without even looking in the mirror, he rushed into his car. They were here. All of them. And suddenly has he raced the car out of the parking, he realized nothing else mattered. He had spent a year trying to mature, but he still got the rush from the same things in life. And maybe he needed money for many of those things, but no amount of money was worth missing out on any of those things. Maybe he hadn't grown up at all, maybe he was a long way from becoming wise, but he was happy. He swerved maniacally at the turn and pressed the accelerator. The rain was merciless but tonight he felt like he was invincible. He still had 3 minutes to cover a 9 minute distance. He sped on, but the rush outside was nothing compared to the calm taking over inside. He had to follow the things he really wanted. And if the life he had right now didn't allow a place for them, it had to change. The changes didn't have to be radical, but they would be if required. And hopefully she would be there. He missed her. He never realized that the only reason he let her go, was because she didn't fit into the plan. He was so stupid to forget that he fit into everything else so perfectly. It was time to pursue her again.
The rationale in his brain kept reminding him, that this was just momentary. When he got a reality check tomorrow, after everyone had left for their own lives, he will realize the importance of his efforts leading to his life till now. Will I? He shrugged and grinned. Maybe. But then now I know again what makes me happy. Being myself. Letting go. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon I will be brave enough to face the truth and then I will be glad of being who I am. It's not the same as not knowing the truth. He was almost there. He thought he didn't have time to be a miser and will let the valet take care of the parking. He breathed, preparing himself for the rain's attack, and looked out to the club's terrace. They were all there. He could never forget how they all looked grouped together. Only one missing was him. It was time. He opened the door and shuddered at the coolness of the rain drops. He closed his eyes to enjoy the rain before making a run for indoors.
**************
She had waited for him the entire evening of the engagement party. Not just, everyone had. He was probably the most simple-minded, cliched and average of them all, but that made him so forgettable to everyone who didn't know him well. To them, he was the eternal hope of a child hoping to grow up someday to be a super-hero. Few of them were protective towards him, some made fun of him and rest adored him, but she loved him. She always did. She had left her job last month, to pursue something she actually enjoyed doing. He did always say she was the first person he came to with study problems. And now today it was raining. He would be happy. He was such a kid when it came to rains. And she hated it when he would always expect something beautiful to happen in rains. She knew her feelings for him were still mixed with confusion, and probably accentuated by not being able to see him for an year now, but today it was raining. She knew she was going to at least kiss him tonight to make sure something was still there.
Someone from the group mentioned that it seemed like his car. The groom-to-be joked that he still was 3 minutes earlier than he expected, still a rash driver. They all called out to him from the terrace. Then the driver came out and stood for a while in the rain holding on to the door of the car. It was definitely him. She smiled and in a flash her hand reached out to him impossibly screaming. A car smashed into the door of his car at full speed. The running car's brakes screeched and it swirled into a frenzy on the wet road, coming to a halt hitting it's back on a lamp-post. But the door of his car hanged halfway across its hinges and he was not getting up. People rushed towards the site of the accident. Guys from her group rushed downstairs. She stayed watching the aftermath, half hoping that he would get up and say he was all right. After all it was raining. Magical things could happen.
**************
He saw the lights of the approaching car probably a few moments too less to reach inside into his car or run away from it. Suddenly he realized that all he could think of was - Is this It?
The gang was devastated. Not one of them was going to end up in the same city as any other person. It was as if fate had decided they were better off placed in different corners of the country. Girls were hit the hardest as to now they would have to find someone new to live with. One out of the 2 couples in the group was the most hopeful, because the guy was ready to take over his father's business, and once settled, the girl would leave the job and they would get married. The other couple was his own, and they had decided 2 months ago, that they weren't going to be able to cope up with the distance and had to focus on their careers. Still it was hard for him to think that this was their last day in college. Somehow they had managed to convince each other to stay till the results came out, but now no one knew how to react to the parting of the ways. Finally, they ended up hugging each other one by one and tears hit them one by one. Girls had promised each other last night they wouldn't cry any more, but the guys tear-stained smiles made it impossible for them not to.
*************
He sat back into his chair staring at the screen. Six-months into his first job, and he already felt like he was going to pull his hair out. All that he had imagined about living the professional bachelor life had come true. He earned enough for himself, his lifestyle was comfortable as per any standards, he had his choice of girls to ask out on weekend nights and none of them was looking for a serious relationship or so they said, and he was a picture of healthy youth. Yet he knew what he was missing was something none of the satisfactions could shadow and hide. He thought he was wasting his time. At first he thought the frustrations were rooted because he didn't have his friends or family around. But then he realized that most of the time he didn't have the time to spend time with them even if they were there and if they were, they would have their own life to attend to. It had taken him 3 months to understand that college life will never return. And when he did, he called up the entire gang and his family, to tell them he missed them. They finally made him smile with the sheer variety of their reactions and responses. He had made peace with that.
Then he dove himself into his work thinking now was the time to climb the corporate ladder as fast as he could. He worked, he performed, and he made his share of mistakes. His office life wasn't half bad as he hoped for it to be so that he could put the blame on it. But when you feel like you are wasting the most valuable asset in one's life, you can't put the blame on anyone else but yourself. How you utilize your time in this life, is no one's responsibility but yours. And worst part was, he was smart enough to know this fact. But he couldn't lose to doubts now. He had planned out certain aspects of his career and wavering from it now, would definitely render him lost on the way to achieve his ultimate goal - To be filthy rich; because money was a requirement for everything in the world today; directly or indirectly. With this rekindling of his motivation he got up from his chair and went to get a cup of coffee; she had gotten up for the same and he had been waiting for a chance to strike a conversation today. It was high time he tried asking her out.
*************
It was raining. Maybe someone likes me up there, he thought. It was exactly one year since he had started his work life. And he was sitting near the window looking out into the city, drenched in rain. He had been thinking about it the whole week. Last night, he had asked her out to spend the entire day with him. She was delighted. He knew she was hoping for something long-term and why wouldn't she? She was his constant beckon call on more weekends than he wished to recount, and she knew the contents of his refrigerator better than him. Still, when time till lunch seemed to be stretched and he didn't know what to talk about, he told her that he wanted to be alone. She left with a look of care and understanding and asked him to call her whenever he felt like talking. He looked at the rain and wished he had opted for a sea-view apartment. The falling drops would seem more picturesque that way. It was still evening, but the clouds made it seem like a starless night and seemed in no mood to stop their downpour any time soon.
Yet he loved the rain. He knew he was a sucker for them. All the people close to him knew about it. He thought of taking out his new car for a drive in the rain. Maybe later. There was something in his mind that was trying to break free. And he was afraid. Not because it was something terrible, but because it seemed that it was something that had been suppressed deep for so long, it would hurt when it came to light now. He distracted himself with thoughts of the work lined up for next week. Work? Was it all that he could think about now? There were things in his life that he had hoped he would enjoy once he was out on his own, but hadn't got a chance to do them. No that was wrong. He hadn't looked for a chance to do them. It was always later. And what was he doing right now? He was spending time in fulfilling his plan. Did he really want that plan so much? Was it really his plan or something he picked up from somewhere? He had matured enough to realize that he wasn't someone special as he had hoped he was like the protagonist in a story. But then who was he? What distinguished him? Most importantly, am I not the person right now I am living as? He felt the shell inside him cracking.
Suddenly, his cellphone rang and his thoughts were replaced by the curiosity of who called. It was surprising how eager he got whenever he was called these days. It was him. Probably they had finalized the date for their wedding. He was suddenly filled with guilt before he pressed the answer button, remembering he had missed their engagement the day before, just because he was working. He answered hoping it was a flurry of unmentionable swearing, rather than a disappointed question as to why he wasn't able to make it. The former would mean he was still forgivable, the latter meant he had scarred one of the few people he could call a friend. The swearing followed without any formal greetings. He smiled. He kept on apologizing, and listening to the words that meant nothing except than a verbal beating figuratively speaking, and that he was sexual abomination literally speaking.
"We are all waiting for you at the club. And I mean all of us. I had to call in all the favors with every one of us to keep them here for today and you better get your butt here. I don't know who was the person who missed my engagement, but buddy you better wake yourself up. It's been an year and we are not spending it without a rotten ba***** like you. You've got 15 minutes and I know it is at least a 20 minute drive. Deal with it!" His friend hung up.
He couldn't remember when he was this happy last. He put on something acceptable in a rush, and without even looking in the mirror, he rushed into his car. They were here. All of them. And suddenly has he raced the car out of the parking, he realized nothing else mattered. He had spent a year trying to mature, but he still got the rush from the same things in life. And maybe he needed money for many of those things, but no amount of money was worth missing out on any of those things. Maybe he hadn't grown up at all, maybe he was a long way from becoming wise, but he was happy. He swerved maniacally at the turn and pressed the accelerator. The rain was merciless but tonight he felt like he was invincible. He still had 3 minutes to cover a 9 minute distance. He sped on, but the rush outside was nothing compared to the calm taking over inside. He had to follow the things he really wanted. And if the life he had right now didn't allow a place for them, it had to change. The changes didn't have to be radical, but they would be if required. And hopefully she would be there. He missed her. He never realized that the only reason he let her go, was because she didn't fit into the plan. He was so stupid to forget that he fit into everything else so perfectly. It was time to pursue her again.
The rationale in his brain kept reminding him, that this was just momentary. When he got a reality check tomorrow, after everyone had left for their own lives, he will realize the importance of his efforts leading to his life till now. Will I? He shrugged and grinned. Maybe. But then now I know again what makes me happy. Being myself. Letting go. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon I will be brave enough to face the truth and then I will be glad of being who I am. It's not the same as not knowing the truth. He was almost there. He thought he didn't have time to be a miser and will let the valet take care of the parking. He breathed, preparing himself for the rain's attack, and looked out to the club's terrace. They were all there. He could never forget how they all looked grouped together. Only one missing was him. It was time. He opened the door and shuddered at the coolness of the rain drops. He closed his eyes to enjoy the rain before making a run for indoors.
**************
She had waited for him the entire evening of the engagement party. Not just, everyone had. He was probably the most simple-minded, cliched and average of them all, but that made him so forgettable to everyone who didn't know him well. To them, he was the eternal hope of a child hoping to grow up someday to be a super-hero. Few of them were protective towards him, some made fun of him and rest adored him, but she loved him. She always did. She had left her job last month, to pursue something she actually enjoyed doing. He did always say she was the first person he came to with study problems. And now today it was raining. He would be happy. He was such a kid when it came to rains. And she hated it when he would always expect something beautiful to happen in rains. She knew her feelings for him were still mixed with confusion, and probably accentuated by not being able to see him for an year now, but today it was raining. She knew she was going to at least kiss him tonight to make sure something was still there.
Someone from the group mentioned that it seemed like his car. The groom-to-be joked that he still was 3 minutes earlier than he expected, still a rash driver. They all called out to him from the terrace. Then the driver came out and stood for a while in the rain holding on to the door of the car. It was definitely him. She smiled and in a flash her hand reached out to him impossibly screaming. A car smashed into the door of his car at full speed. The running car's brakes screeched and it swirled into a frenzy on the wet road, coming to a halt hitting it's back on a lamp-post. But the door of his car hanged halfway across its hinges and he was not getting up. People rushed towards the site of the accident. Guys from her group rushed downstairs. She stayed watching the aftermath, half hoping that he would get up and say he was all right. After all it was raining. Magical things could happen.
**************
He saw the lights of the approaching car probably a few moments too less to reach inside into his car or run away from it. Suddenly he realized that all he could think of was - Is this It?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Don't Look Back
It's 3:19 in the morning right now. Every night for long I have thought about getting back at the seat of writing down whatever I am thinking, but I realized I was nothing but lazy. So what made me sit down and finally do it..? It's something which hits us once in a while, pretty often through life... Rock Bottom!
But I am jumping ahead of myself. Let's start with something more subtle... Change. Ok, maybe it's not that subtle always, still it is something we all have to accept. Wise ones accept and adapt to it, some just accept it as fate and the stubborn ones keep fighting it through either denial or defiance or maybe both. All of us play either of the above roles at every "change" we face... change of roles at different points. But do we change?
My grand-dad always used to tell me that as a child I should pick up good habits and character, because at that time I was like soft clay ("kachhi mitti"). He said, that sooner than I think, I would be set into a mould; that even if I wanted, I wouldn't be able to change (without breaking something inside me). I used to think I he was being over-critical and that I will always be able to mould myself, as I wanted to. Hell, there were quite a few things I wanted him to change about himself, and even though knowing they weren't wise habits, he carried them on. So I thought, maybe this is how as we grow older, we make this excuse of becoming less adjusting, to stick to our cherished drawbacks.
And suddenly, I think of him tonight and realize how important that little statement was. Change is something I have never fell short of. People, places, emotions, ideologies... ample of them all. And at every crossroad in life, I have dug deep into the same pool of ideals, virtues, desires and beliefs, every time. It is as if whatever was put into the empty glass of a growing mind, stuck and most of the new stuff that pours in, either just overflows off the brim and some of it sticks, which can mix with the already present "stuff" in the glass. So if the basis of our choices is still always the same, do we ever change or just keep hardening into what we are currently?
I am sure most of you (and me likewise) will be thinking,"Of course I change(d). Imagine what I would have done in the same situation few years back, which I faced in so-n-so manner recently". Of course your point is completely valid. And so is my question. We will have to "imagine" what we would have done or not done in the same situation. As dynamic as our experiences and thoughts are, core values don't change so often, because they stand alone with no alternatives. You choose to have them or you don't. It's not a matter of good or evil. It's a matter of choice. And once that choice is made, there's no looking back; because "I Am, what I do" (I will save "I Do, what I am" for a later work). It's hard to make hard choices, harder to live with them.
So if one's character is the clay, values are the mould, and crossroads and choices are the roasting inferno, don't we actually get set into our mould? Since we made those hard choices, and we have to stand by them, the basis of those choices stick to our mould, to keep us sane and sorted out and thus more experiences we go through in life, the lesser susceptible we become to changing ourselves. And if one really does take upon himself/herself, to change their mould, it cannot happen without shaking up your roots, and for some time leaving you totally clueless. In many of the extreme cases, this would lead what we usually call a Nervous Breakdown.
Hard choices... they are not that hard, personally speaking, but many a times their aftermath is. And sometimes, the right choice is hardest one to make, not to mention it's as if all hell breaks lose right after it. And then you find yourself between our infamous Rock Bottom and a hard place.
We wonder, "Did I make the right choice?". But is there a point now, thinking about it? Choice has been made for better or for worse. If it's your worse, you are the one who has to deal with it. So maybe life is interspersed with these stars called choices. Some shine, some burn. If you hit rock bottom, and there's no end to it, then wait, because nobody said rock bottom is momentary. It can stretch for a n unpleasant amount of time.But life is still simple, "You make a choice, and you don't look back"!
Rock bottom... it is as much the lowest point in your life as well as the most profitable. Why profitable? Well if you've got nothing to lose in regards to the situation a.k.a. rock bottom, you can only go up now, that means profit with no risk of further liabilities. But the funniest and cruelest thing of hitting rock bottom is, you don't know exactly that you've hit rock bottom. It just feels like it's rock bottom, no assurance it is. You will be extremely surprised as to "What could be worse than this?" until shit happens. Before the ball bounces back you are again and again surprised as to what not to take for granted. And unfortunately we do start taking so many important things for granted until we lose them, or in some fortunate cases they are threatened to be taken away from us.
Getting up is the only option. You can not cry, brood, procrastinate, indulge in self-pity forever. Life calls, and you have to take it. And starting the journey back to achieving their goals, one realizes what has changed within. For some, the moulds are broken, they are left to face the inferno of choices again. Some face the crossroads with a dent here and there in there moulds and others with moulds made of more stubborn (or tougher) stuff not changing at all. Still you have to get up.
A wise person once told me that before I judge myself for the choices I made in the past, I should clearly understand that person I was then, and the person I am now; for better or for worse. That is the only way I can make peace with my past and live my present, hoping for a desirable future.
So I can look back at the choices made, but not standing where I was before. Because if I do, I put myself in the agony of a choice that has already been made, inflicting the shroud of doubt and dilemna upon myself unnecessarily.
And let's face it, once you've hit Rock bottom, one can always give himself/herself a break :)
But I am jumping ahead of myself. Let's start with something more subtle... Change. Ok, maybe it's not that subtle always, still it is something we all have to accept. Wise ones accept and adapt to it, some just accept it as fate and the stubborn ones keep fighting it through either denial or defiance or maybe both. All of us play either of the above roles at every "change" we face... change of roles at different points. But do we change?
My grand-dad always used to tell me that as a child I should pick up good habits and character, because at that time I was like soft clay ("kachhi mitti"). He said, that sooner than I think, I would be set into a mould; that even if I wanted, I wouldn't be able to change (without breaking something inside me). I used to think I he was being over-critical and that I will always be able to mould myself, as I wanted to. Hell, there were quite a few things I wanted him to change about himself, and even though knowing they weren't wise habits, he carried them on. So I thought, maybe this is how as we grow older, we make this excuse of becoming less adjusting, to stick to our cherished drawbacks.
And suddenly, I think of him tonight and realize how important that little statement was. Change is something I have never fell short of. People, places, emotions, ideologies... ample of them all. And at every crossroad in life, I have dug deep into the same pool of ideals, virtues, desires and beliefs, every time. It is as if whatever was put into the empty glass of a growing mind, stuck and most of the new stuff that pours in, either just overflows off the brim and some of it sticks, which can mix with the already present "stuff" in the glass. So if the basis of our choices is still always the same, do we ever change or just keep hardening into what we are currently?
I am sure most of you (and me likewise) will be thinking,"Of course I change(d). Imagine what I would have done in the same situation few years back, which I faced in so-n-so manner recently". Of course your point is completely valid. And so is my question. We will have to "imagine" what we would have done or not done in the same situation. As dynamic as our experiences and thoughts are, core values don't change so often, because they stand alone with no alternatives. You choose to have them or you don't. It's not a matter of good or evil. It's a matter of choice. And once that choice is made, there's no looking back; because "I Am, what I do" (I will save "I Do, what I am" for a later work). It's hard to make hard choices, harder to live with them.
So if one's character is the clay, values are the mould, and crossroads and choices are the roasting inferno, don't we actually get set into our mould? Since we made those hard choices, and we have to stand by them, the basis of those choices stick to our mould, to keep us sane and sorted out and thus more experiences we go through in life, the lesser susceptible we become to changing ourselves. And if one really does take upon himself/herself, to change their mould, it cannot happen without shaking up your roots, and for some time leaving you totally clueless. In many of the extreme cases, this would lead what we usually call a Nervous Breakdown.
Hard choices... they are not that hard, personally speaking, but many a times their aftermath is. And sometimes, the right choice is hardest one to make, not to mention it's as if all hell breaks lose right after it. And then you find yourself between our infamous Rock Bottom and a hard place.
We wonder, "Did I make the right choice?". But is there a point now, thinking about it? Choice has been made for better or for worse. If it's your worse, you are the one who has to deal with it. So maybe life is interspersed with these stars called choices. Some shine, some burn. If you hit rock bottom, and there's no end to it, then wait, because nobody said rock bottom is momentary. It can stretch for a n unpleasant amount of time.But life is still simple, "You make a choice, and you don't look back"!
Rock bottom... it is as much the lowest point in your life as well as the most profitable. Why profitable? Well if you've got nothing to lose in regards to the situation a.k.a. rock bottom, you can only go up now, that means profit with no risk of further liabilities. But the funniest and cruelest thing of hitting rock bottom is, you don't know exactly that you've hit rock bottom. It just feels like it's rock bottom, no assurance it is. You will be extremely surprised as to "What could be worse than this?" until shit happens. Before the ball bounces back you are again and again surprised as to what not to take for granted. And unfortunately we do start taking so many important things for granted until we lose them, or in some fortunate cases they are threatened to be taken away from us.
Getting up is the only option. You can not cry, brood, procrastinate, indulge in self-pity forever. Life calls, and you have to take it. And starting the journey back to achieving their goals, one realizes what has changed within. For some, the moulds are broken, they are left to face the inferno of choices again. Some face the crossroads with a dent here and there in there moulds and others with moulds made of more stubborn (or tougher) stuff not changing at all. Still you have to get up.
A wise person once told me that before I judge myself for the choices I made in the past, I should clearly understand that person I was then, and the person I am now; for better or for worse. That is the only way I can make peace with my past and live my present, hoping for a desirable future.
So I can look back at the choices made, but not standing where I was before. Because if I do, I put myself in the agony of a choice that has already been made, inflicting the shroud of doubt and dilemna upon myself unnecessarily.
And let's face it, once you've hit Rock bottom, one can always give himself/herself a break :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)